Sunday, January 30, 2011

Dear Air Conditiong: Please Come Back. I Miss You.

It's hot.  Like, really hot.  My friends in the snowy north continuously remind/ask me if I would prefer -20 degrees and truthfully, I can't answer that question.  But I know for sure I wouldn't prefer 40+...... and this is what we're dealing with here.

And now we've moved into a new apartment (yay!).  So many great things about living on your own.  But I've quickly discovered one bad thing.  No air conditioning.  C'mon, let's face it!  We're straight broke and other things like food have taken priority over AC for now.... My only respite is the fact that I'm here alone in the apartment and yep.  That means it's No Clothes-Ville for this suffering Canadian...

We have reached the point where any slight whisper of material touching my skin is enough to make me drop to the floor in a series of dramatic (and only slightly exaggerated) fits complete with loud complaining and pathetic whining, which is then followed by outright angry shouting:

"THAT'S IT! I'm going to buy TWO air conditionings tomorrow and I'm putting them on the credit card"
"Oh really? And how will you take them home with you on the bus?"
"I'll hire a driver and put HIM on the credit card!"
"You don't even have a credit card."

True story. (And only slightly exaggerated...)

I can't even pretend to be a real Brazilian.  My husband pointed out that he grew up without AC so for him, "it's not so bad."  Well, Sir.  You may sleep in the "not-so-bad" living room and enjoy your heat.  I'll be in the bedroom with the air conditioning turned to "icicle". 

So in case you were wondering, yes.  It is allllll hanging out right now and while all of this naked freedom is liberating, it's really getting old fast.  I would like some air conditioning please.  It's like Tasha pointed out.  I'm in a new home which really should be christened (I'm pretty sure it's a rule in the bible) and it's too hot for anything more than a toe-rub.
Actually, it's more common to hear "Don't touch me.  Stop touching me... your leg hair is touching me!" than to hear any invitations of hanky panky.  Did I just refer to sex as hanky panky?  Ok, this heat is making me delirious. 

Time for my second shower of the morning! 

You know it's hot in Brazil when:

1. You get up after a 30 minute air conditioned bus ride with a huge, sweaty wet spot on the back of your dress.  It definitely looks like your peed yourself.

2. The nasty, dirty AC dripping onto you from the offices above in Centro is suddenly cool and refreshing. 

3. You stop caring about looking classy and sexy in front of your husband and instead opt for the 'let it all hang out' look.  It really doesn't even matter at this point.  It's not like you're getting any anyway because.........

4. Hot and sweaty sex actually sounds like your idea of hell. 

5. You can barely walk outside and when you do, you can't even make it to your destination in one go.  You need to sit down and take rests.

6. A slight, almost non-existent, breeze is the most AMAZING thing you have EVER FELT IN YOUR LIFE.

7. All of the Brazilians around you are complaining "Nossa! Que calor!" which makes you feel better about not being the only one who can't handle the heat.  Literally and figuratively.

8. Showering twice a day used to seem completely neurotic and obsessive to you.  Now you take two showers before noon.

9. You sweat.  All. The. Time. In fact, you are never ever not sweating.  You are sweating right now!

10. You actually think that -30 degree Canadian winter would be better than this heat.  So really, you've gone crazy.

Stay cool out there peeps!!

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Touché Facebook! Touché!

Thanks to this site for this hilarious moment.

Friday, January 21, 2011

What to do if you have some free time in Rio...

Go see the Sao Sebastiao Metropolian Cathedral in Cinelandia.... It's pretty cool and you know you always look at it but just never go in...

Sunday, January 16, 2011

McDonalds - The cause of, and solution to, all of life's hangovers

Last night I went out to Lapa with a good friend of mine for some drinking and dancing.  I'm not a big club person but the promise of Beatles and 80s music was pretty endearing so we took a ONE HUNDRED REAIS cab ride aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall the way from Recreio to Lapa. 

The farness factor cannot be emphasized any more than this.

Anyway, I digress.  So we had a great ol' time dancing and drinking Malibu Rum(!!).  The club was just as great as any club can be - so hot and sweaty that I have a hard time pulling my jeans back up after fazendo xixi and that my shirt feels like a wet dish rag.  Fun!  Why on Earth don't I go to clubs more often??

So great time, came home very late/early and pretty tipsy which ULTIMATELY equals eating McDonalds the next day. 

I have no idea why I am cursed with this physical NEED to eat McDonalds the day after a night of drinking.  It's like my stomach will not accept anything other than this crap that I truly don't even really enjoy eating.  It's this argument with myself that I lose EVERY TIME!  I know it won't taste as good as I think it tastes in my head.  I know my stomach will feel like it's on fire later.  I know that damn bread is going to be hard and crusty.  And I KNOW they will not understand me when I ask for um quarterao (Jeeeeeez, they never understand me when I say quarterao!  What else could I be asking for?? Put it together!  I know I have an accent but does it sound like I am saying Bic Mac?)

But I start to convince myself!  Mmm think about how good that burger tastes!  This time the bread will be fresh!  This time the fries will be hot!  This time they'll know exactly what you're asking for and maybe even might ask "Damn, are you Brazilian?!?"  Yeah, this time it will be different.

But obviously it's not.  It's never different!  That's the thing about McDonalds!  That's their actual 'thing'.  They are always the same.

So, like clockwork, I convinced myself that today would be different on my Hangover McDonalds Day and I went.  Well my bread was hard, my coke was flat, and I only had one pickle on my quarterao.  But joy of joys, they understood me perfectly.  So Lindsey, one.  McDonalds, zero.  Thank you and I'll be seeing you on my next hangover. 

Saturday, January 1, 2011

New Year's (Non) Resolutions

Never having been one for making 'resolutions' per say, I'm going to instead share some of the 'goals developed coincidently on January 1 but are not New Year's Resolutions' resolutions.  Ha.

First of all, I would really like to get back into blogging funny stories and experiences that I have in Rio.  Now that things aren't so new, some of the oddities that I experienced in the beginning are just normal now and don't have the hilarity charm they once had.  So eyes open for the funny stuff.

Then, I really need to kick up the Portuguese.  I'm thinking about private classes.  I haven't tried them yet and have reached my level of fluency just by exposure (as most of us have)... so some fine tuning is in order.  Really, I want to tone down my accent.  I think I really overdo the 'sh' on the s .... I'm serious.  It's out of control.  "Goshtaria eshtar no Brashil agora" is 'de maish'.  Haha, ps kidding I totally don't say brasil like.  Ok, sometimes I do.  ;)

Finally, It's time I start settling in and feeling at home in Rio.  We are going into the new year with a new apartment!!!  Hooray!!!  It's going to be a completely different year.  First, as Salty mentioned, was adapting.  The next year will be about putting it all to work.  I'm looking forward to seeing Brazil through different eyes this year. 

Actually, one more.  I think it's time I learned the stick.  The stick shift that is.  Although I'm genuinely terrified of driving on the roads of Rio (thumbs up), I hate having to be a slave to the bus all the time - especially when we have a car!!  It's time to grow up and get on the stick.  Let the sexual reference begin!

So Happy New Year to all!  Does anyone have any special 'goals developed coincidently on January 1 but are not New Year's Resolutions' resolutions to share?? 

Here's a list of the 10 Ten New Year's Resolutions for this year:
So, that's the Top Ten New Years Resolutions. Write them down and see how successful you are at keeping them.  Happy New Year!

Thanks to everyone who reads my blog!!  I appreciate you all.
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