Thursday, January 14, 2010

disclaimer: this is not about brazil

I wonder if I'll ever be able to recover from my past relationship.  I feel like I was never this insecure before... and before I even get into this, I'm aware that because my blog is public that Im sharing this information with a lot of people.  It doesnt require anyone to comment - I just need to get some feelings off my chest.

There are times when I really really doubt myself, my relationship, and my future.  I know I had some issues when i was younger with depression but after I entered university, lost weight, gained a lot of independence, a real sense of who I was growing into, those feelings really passed and I became really confident with myself.  For god's sake, I could go to a nightclub by myself and have a great time!  I was also in a LDR with someone who I knew very well and who I trusted and who trusted me.  Not that I was worthy of being trusted - in fact I probably shouldn't have been in a relationship at all at the time.  I was free and I was feeling attractive for the first time.

Anyway, my last relationship really fucked with my head.  I mean really.  So so so many lies, so many lies that went so far down.  So many things happening behind my back while looking into my eyes INSISTING that they weren't happening, that I was the crazy one for thinking that.  That relationship really ruined every last ounce of trust I had...  so much so that I still think about it a year later.  I still get angry about it.  It's not about dwelling on the relationship - I almost hate that it ever happened.  That could be the anger talking right now.   I don't have regrets about anything in life - except for the fact that I was tricked.  I should have listened to my instincts.  (I should have read Blink sooner). 

Now, I'm the first one to say that I am the one in control of my reactions - I don't have to let this crazy period in my life affect me so negatively.  But where do you draw the line?  When are you allowed to give in and say that shit really screwed with my head and now I am forever changed because of it.  And at this point in time, it's not in a positive 'I learned from this' way.  It's in a really negative, really insecure, really 'the kind of girl I hate and never want to be' way.  

Now in my current relationship, MARRIAGE no less - somewhere I should feel 100% secure and safe - I still find my past haunting me, making me suspicious, making me question words, question myself... i was never insecure before.  I'm afraid that all men are the same.  It makes you feel like it's your fault.  If I had been better at this, if I had done more of this, you wouldn't have felt like you wanted attention from someone else.  It's so clich´e.   (Sorry mac's do accents in a weird way).   Obviously everyone (including myself) would say "it's okay, honey, it's not you, he was a pig, he didn't deserve you."  yeah yeah.  So does that mean that a lot of men are just pigs?  No other explanation?  No rational?  It's a bit discouraging and all-out depressing to accept that.   **Side Note** This is not targeted at my husband, I strongly need to point this out.  It is just the point to where my stupid distrust has taken me. 

I think about all of the factors that could have changed this security in myself.... also it could be the fact that I worked at the gym for so long and was surrounded by women who I felt were mostly thinner and fitter than me.  They had more self control over food, more self control over exercise... I felt inferior a lot... bah what a crazy person I have become!  Does anyone else have issues with self image the way I do???  God!  It's a real problem!!!  I need to take part in some positive thinking courses I think.... I'm serious.  I really think the problem here is me.  I need to learn how to think positively because all my negative thought is really bad for myself and for my family.

Have I always thought this way? I think so... I think I have the tools to think positively, I just don't have the will.  I always use the example of a woman who wants to lose 50 lbs but doesn't want to do the work to get there.  There is a disconnect.  At least I can usually talk myself out of this negativity by the end of my rants.  I would really like to look into positive thinking.

2 comments:

  1. Positive thinking is one of those things (perhaps the best example of something) that is easier said than done.

    The insecurity issue is a big mess, and can probably be traced back to more than just your ex!

    My self-esteem has certainly taken a beating here in Brazil, where I am constantly reminded of how different I look--not only genetically, because I'm considered very white here (and people LOVE to point it out) and I have light eyes and thin light hair, but also in terms of style and weight and things like that.

    As you've already figured out, the standard of beauty is different. The bar is raised higher; things like manicures, jewelry, heels-- things that I always thought were for a special occasion-- are normal, everyday things in the social circles that I'm in here.

    Also, liposuction and plastic surgery are more socially acceptable and isn't considered as superficial or shallow as it is in the US, at least among my social groups there.

    It doesn't help that sex is SO in-your-face here in the media, with shit like the "mulher melancia" and those Sunday soccer shows with the young girls parading around in bikinis, and the prime-time novelas that show women in lingerie. Oh, and all of the porn magazines for sale in the stores and gas stations, without any cover or discretion.

    Combine ALL this with the bluntness of Brazilian women ("you've gained weight!" "your scar is terrible!" "are you tired? you look like it" "Doesn't hair grow on your arms??" "Jesus, but you are REALLY white!"), and all the positive thinking in the world can't save you from at least some bad days.

    Good luck!

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  2. Ohhhh ..I can soo relate with you on this one! It's hard, I know.

    I really enjoy reading your stories, nice blog. Look forward to reading more ;-)

    ReplyDelete

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