Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Nobody Told Us to Fall in Love...

I just woke up from a distressing dream.  (I'm sick, which is why I'm sleeping at 2pm... just a side note).

In my dream,  I had arrived at home in Canada (without Ro - I think he was coming later) and my sister was going to meet me on a bridge to take me back to our old house (which was actually the first house I ever lived in).  I was really excited and anticipating the moment I would arrive.  When we arrived home we passed some relatives on the stairs on the way into the house.  My aunt commented that my face had changed so much, that she wouldn't have ever recognized me on the street.

After being in the house for a little, I realized I could hear this drilling.  This loud, brain rattling, drilling.  My mom said my dad was scraping something off the walls in the basement.  My first thought was why hasn't my dad stopped his drilling to come say hi to me?

I ran upstairs, trying to get away from this drilling sound.  I closed all the vents and windows, but I couldn't get away from the sound.  I realized it was snowing outside.  I remembered all the times I had said while I was in Brazil that I hated the hot weather and missed the cold winter so much.  As I looked at the snow I felt that deep coldness inside and I thought, but I don't like THIS winter... 

Later, I was in the kitchen with my sister and she brought out a box of desserts.  I said, 'oh great!  I can't wait to eat all of the desserts I couldn't eat while in Brazil!' but when I looked at the dessert in her hand I thought, but I don't like THIS dessert...

Suddenly I heard Ro talking on the phone.  He was talking to someone in Portuguese about the price of some item that we are selling at our house.  He gave the person on the other end our Brazilian address which caught my attention, because we weren't living at that address anymore.  Suddenly I realized that in my anticipation to get home to Canada, I hadn't even 'said goodbye' to our apartment in Brazil.  I felt a deep loss.

I began to feel really alone, really sad that we weren't in Brazil anymore.  I thought to myself We came to have the baby here and that's good.  If we aren't happy we can go back.  I asked Ro (who was suddenly, of course, there with me) 'Did we make a mistake?'

His response in true, logical, dream fashion, 'No, you're just sad that we are living in the suburbs now.'

I woke up suddenly still in my living room in Brazil and felt an enormous sense of relief.  I could still say goodbye to everything here.  But I started to cry when I told Ro about the dream.  I asked him, "Are we making a mistake? I'm worried about how it will be for you... I don't want you to have to 'deal with moving'."

His response in true, logical, Ro fashion, "Nobody told us to fall in love with someone from another country...."

Sigh. Somebody always has to 'deal'. 


6 comments:

  1. I let out a deep sigh after reading this. That best expresses my reaction. So true... nobody told us to do it, yet we all did and now we live a life divided, always at least a little bit. Take your time to say your goodbyes to your life there and remember you can always carry what you experienced and learned with you no matter where you go.

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  2. Thanks for taking the time to write this, I can relate so much. It is tough to choose between two countries, and to fall in love with someone from another country.. someone always has to make the sacrifice..I sturggled with this for a long, long time.. and it wasn't until very recently that I realized we made the right choice.

    Enjoy the time that you have left in Brazil (something I wish I had done more of in Mexico!) And try and take in the good of both countries.. All the best :)

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  3. It´s something that hits me every now and then - we will always have decisions that are a little more difficult than most of the couples we know, because there´s always the location issue to take into account. As much as we love each other, one of us is always going to be far away (ie complete opposite side of the world) to their families and where they grew up. Part of me is dreading the moment we decide to have children, because I really don´t know what the best option is going to be - and I know we are going to dissapoint someone. I wouldn´t change my husband for anyone though - I think that this love is worth it!!!

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  4. I feel this way too. I talk about how I want to go back to the states to do my masters within the next couple of years but whenever my fiance begins to talk about it, about leaving Brazil, my chest gets really tight and I feel super stressed. I want so badly to be here but I also want to be there. It's so tough having to choose between two countries that are so far apart. I so wish that I could live half the time in each country so that I never had to choose. Enjoy the rest of your time and your pregnant preferential treatment here in Brazil! :)

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