I just woke up from a distressing dream. (I'm sick, which is why I'm sleeping at 2pm... just a side note).
In my dream, I had arrived at home in Canada (without Ro - I think he was coming later) and my sister was going to meet me on a bridge to take me back to our old house (which was actually the first house I ever lived in). I was really excited and anticipating the moment I would arrive. When we arrived home we passed some relatives on the stairs on the way into the house. My aunt commented that my face had changed so much, that she wouldn't have ever recognized me on the street.
After being in the house for a little, I realized I could hear this drilling. This loud, brain rattling, drilling. My mom said my dad was scraping something off the walls in the basement. My first thought was why hasn't my dad stopped his drilling to come say hi to me?
I ran upstairs, trying to get away from this drilling sound. I closed all the vents and windows, but I couldn't get away from the sound. I realized it was snowing outside. I remembered all the times I had said while I was in Brazil that I hated the hot weather and missed the cold winter so much. As I looked at the snow I felt that deep coldness inside and I thought, but I don't like THIS winter...
Later, I was in the kitchen with my sister and she brought out a box of desserts. I said, 'oh great! I can't wait to eat all of the desserts I couldn't eat while in Brazil!' but when I looked at the dessert in her hand I thought, but I don't like THIS dessert...
Suddenly I heard Ro talking on the phone. He was talking to someone in Portuguese about the price of some item that we are selling at our house. He gave the person on the other end our Brazilian address which caught my attention, because we weren't living at that address anymore. Suddenly I realized that in my anticipation to get home to Canada, I hadn't even 'said goodbye' to our apartment in Brazil. I felt a deep loss.
I began to feel really alone, really sad that we weren't in Brazil anymore. I thought to myself We came to have the baby here and that's good. If we aren't happy we can go back. I asked Ro (who was suddenly, of course, there with me) 'Did we make a mistake?'
His response in true, logical, dream fashion, 'No, you're just sad that we are living in the suburbs now.'
I woke up suddenly still in my living room in Brazil and felt an enormous sense of relief. I could still say goodbye to everything here. But I started to cry when I told Ro about the dream. I asked him, "Are we making a mistake? I'm worried about how it will be for you... I don't want you to have to 'deal with moving'."
His response in true, logical, Ro fashion, "Nobody told us to fall in love with someone from another country...."
Sigh. Somebody always has to 'deal'.
The Chowzter Awards in London
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