Bonding Time with Friends: A Story of Waxing, Beers, and Haircuts

There is nothing quite like the value of friendship.  Especially when you are a Stranger in a Strange Land.  (YES!  You don't know how happy I am to make that reference for myself, finally!)

Maybe you've been wondering, "How can I bring my friendships closer?  How can we have a more intimate relationship with my girlfriends?"  The answer is:  Waxing.
Girls waxing their crotches together is a speedy and reliable way to bring you to a level of comfort and  intimacy you never thought possible.  I've referenced other intimate waxing experiences in the past *ahem, watched Laura get a Brazilian, ahem* so you can trust me that I'm experienced in this field.  

Haha!  Waxing neither feels nor looks ANYTHING like this!

Just the nature of the activity demands that you discuss your crotches in detail with each other.  Details you'd probably be embarrassed to share in any other circumstance (but this is Brazil and Brazilians are notorious for being insanely comfortable talking about and showing off their bodies, so you join the party).

It's extra special when two of your party are getting the wax for the very first time, ever.  It's total unknown territory, and the idea of a stranger putting her hands all over an area which in the past has strictly been reserved for yourself, your partner, and your doctor is a little unnerving and guaranteed to bring you closer to your friends (physically closer, out of pure terror).

Then when one friend says, "This comes without the anus, right?"
and you say, "Oh no, this one comes with the anus waxed"
and she says, "No!! I don't want to wax my anus!!"
and you say, "Yes you do.  You definitely want to wax your anus.  She'll have the Virilha Total WITH the anus waxed, please."

Well, it goes without saying that you've now discussed waxing your friends' anus and therefore you are now, officially, closer than ever. 

The anus in question come up again later as you're, as gently as possible, trying to coach your friends through the waxing process.

"Then she will tell you to vira and segura seu bum bum".
"We have to turn over and hold our asses open to wax the anus?!?!?!??!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!"
(Exclamations NOT an exaggeration!!!!!!!!)
"Yes, you will need to hold the cheeks to help her out."
"Do we have to get on all fours???????" (this one made us laugh hysterically for around 7 minutes)
"No", I answer while wiping tears away.  "You can lay on your stomach, just hold your bum open!"


 **** Several stressful moments (for everyone) later, you're all smooth as a baby****

Having a freshly waxed crotch also makes you want to, obviously, drop your pants and show it off!  This may or may not be a good idea, but I suppose that depends on the deepness of the intimacy of your friendships.  My friends and I still have a few more waxes to get through before we reach this level, but it was definitely on the table!

After a lot of sweating and heart pounding, but albeit a good quality wax, beer is a definite must.  You need to discuss, in detail, the proceedings of the waxing.
"Did it hurt as much as you thought?"
"Well, she put one slab of wax on and couldn't get it off because the hair was too long!  I started to wonder if maybe I could just live with this giant slab of dried wax on my crotch forever."

After you get a little tipsy at the bar, it's time to part ways.  Two of you decide to make it a whole day of hair removal and get your hair cut (even though we already know how this is another stress point for you).  Since you have no evidence of a good place to cut your hair, you wander into the best looking place you pass.

Hair cutting with a friend is very intimate, especially because you get to watch, and be watched, during that moment in every haircut that makes you think "Oh no, this is gonna look like shit.... oh wait, she fixed that part.  Ok, crisis averted."

In the end, it works out because you are with your friend and that gives you some kind of super power moral support!

And so concludes The Guide to Bonding With Your Friends!  A lovely day it was!  Thanks girls :)

I've Been Featured!

Amelia and Laura over at The Harvest Kitchen Sisters have featured me as a guest on their blog!  How exciting for me!!

I've linked their site before, particularly for Amelia's amazing pancake recipe (that is decidedly my ONLY pancake recipe - and one that my Brazilian husband has MASTERED).

Anyway, please visit their site for my latest blog about Hiring a Housekeeper in Brazil

December already?

The last two weeks have gone by so fast!  Since Laura left, I've been keeping busy with work, friends and believe it or not, reading.

Seeing as I have one month left in this year, I wanted to reflect on everything that's gone right and that I've changed for the better in my life.  Actually, looking back on the past year (which has flown by!!!), I'm a little disappointed, yet not at all surprised, that I didn't keep my New Year's Non Resolutions.

1.  Blog more funny stories.  Well, just by counting the number of posts this year vs. last year, I've already failed on the NUMBER of blogs I've produced, but at least my blogs haven't gone down in quality!  (Well, you all can be the judges of that one)

2. Start taking Portuguese classes.  Do the two classes I took count?  I took two, didn't really like her, made up some crappy excuse, and never looked back.

3. Settle in and make Rio my 'home'.  After a rocky start with our first apartment, I can happily say that this one we have accomplished.

4. Learn to drive stick shift.  Ha.  Well, I did go out for one driving lesson with Ro when I got back from Canada.  But we sold our car earlier this year (thank the lord!).  So no stick shift.  But also (happily) no car.


Alright, so if we were to evaluate purely by what I wrote down, it looks as if I didn't do so well.  But some other "non-resolutions" that I came up with throughout the year I did better with.  So let's examine my B-Side resolutions instead.

1b) Read more. (And later, read more Margaret Atwood).   Win!  In the two months I read a book per month and one of those was Margaret Atwood.  That equals 2 books in case you were feeling confused (it happens).

2b) Try to find my own Happiness.  I read the book The Happiness Project but more importantly, after moving to Botafogo, I was able to pursue my friendships, spend more time with my husband, ride my bike, and run in some beautiful places - HUGE sources of my happiness.

3b) See a Psychologist.  I found the most wonderful woman (thanks to a good friend) who speaks English!  She is not covered by my Health Plan but it doesn't matter.  Paying her with my hard-earned cash has been one of the most releasing experiences in understanding myself, my actions, and also how to let things GO! 

4b) Do acupuncture.  Before we moved to Botafogo I did 3 sessions of Acupuncture which made me feel AMAZING.  It was a quick run, but it made a big difference.

So did anyone else out there make any 'non-resolutions'?  How are they going?  Do you usually keep your goals or let them shrivel up like George's penis?  :)  Happy December!

Friday Afternoon Dance Request

BAAHAHAHA!

Today this song came up on my iPod playlist - I had almost forgotten all about it!  I first heard it in Canada and was disgustingly drawn to the tune.  I guess there's no stopping a repetitive dance-instruction song and a white girl.

Ahhh hahaha... I'm going to stop laughing and just let you watch it.  It's like Brazilian funk music meets the Macarena.  Oh the hilarity.

It's even more hilarious now that I actually understand about 60% of it.  I DEFINITELY played this song at my wedding.  Not even joking.

All I ask is that if you watch this video,  PLEASE try to do the dance.  And if possible, film it and post to your blog for my laughing pleasure.

Without further ado.... My favourite characters are all of them.

Feel like an ass in Brazil? Read this post.

I felt inspired by Rachel's post today about life in paradise not always being easy.  Many of the commenters were relatively new foreigners living in Brazil and their stories of their struggles brought me right back to my first months (ok, year and a half) here as well (even though I still feel like I'm new and I've been here almost 2 years, crazy).

Some of my old posts were a liiiiiiiiitle depressed and frankly, depressing.

Looking back on all my whining, bitching and cries for help whining, bitching and cries for help (not a typo), I'm impressed at how much things have changed for me.  Rachel said that she was being a big baby in the beginning - I was a giant baby too, but at the same time I don't know if I would have been able to do it any differently...

Anyone out there who is new to Brazil or thinking about coming - the biggest challenge in moving to another country (and it could be any country) is that usually you are dealing with a million new things at the same time.  Language, culture, social norms (like how to eat/not eat in public), lack of friends, lack of knowing the city, and in many cases a completely new marriage or baby as well.

Word to the wise, your inevitable psychological breakdown in your new country is not the country's fault (although, it definitely feels like it is).  It's not even necessarily the fault of your specific situation in Brazil.  It all comes down to you and how you deal with these firey demon-balls you are faced with.  
How many times can you face defeat, frustration, or conflict and still get back up and do it again?  Don't be fooled into thinking that crap is constantly falling on your head just because you live in a foreign country.  Even at home in your own country you feel the stress of your job, your friends, your housing situation, your new marriage/relationship/baby or whatever.  The common denomonator in all of this is you and your attitude will ultimately determine your success or lack thereof.

The other peice of advice I have is RELAX.  Seriously, sometimes you need to just go with it and accept that you're going to feel like a 3 year old in an adult's body learning how to speak for the first time.  News flash.  You are a 3 year old in an adult's body learning how to speak for the first time!

If you're totally frustrated because your umbrella poked an old lady in the eye and you couldn't apologize because your Portuguese wasn't at that level yet, that's ok.  Feel shitty about it, and then learn from that situation.  Practice saying "ahh desculpa!  Peço mil desculpas!" 1000 times until you've got it down.  Feeling like an ass is the best way to learn how NOT to speak Portuguese.

And finally, speaking Portuguese is the best way to learn how NOT to feel like an ass!  www.livemocha.com is a great free site to get you started.  

You can dooooo it!

I'm Not a Gringa!!!

Ok, yes, I am.  But I'm not! 

A little something that seriously annoyed me I noticed while Laura was here was how everytime her blond hair and blue eyes were standing beside me, I got the "Gringa Treatment".  Let me just clarify that when I'm alone on the street (which is usually) people don't even bat an eye.  They don't usually ask me if I'm a Gringa, or if I'm from another place, or even comment really.  But standing next to Laura, it was like their Gringo-Spidey Sense was on full blast. 

I've never been asked, "Você é Gringa?" "Voce fala Português?" "Você e da onde?" SO MANY TIMES.  Argh. 

So you may be thinking, 'but, uhhh, you ARE Gringa....'.  I see your point.  And you are correct.  Technically.  But when you've put as much effort into learning a language, trying to understand a foreign culture that goes against many of your instincts, and just trying to be normal, you'd be pissed too when people are calling you out like snowflakes in July.  Or just snowflakes in Brazil in general.  Which is what we were.  Snowflakes.  Big ass, white, shiny snowflakes. 


I have reached a level of Portuguese that makes people look at me and think "Oh, she must be handicapped.  I know she's speaking Portuguese, but it's kind of funny.  Good for her!  Doing things in the world all by herself!  Way to represent the handicap, Weird Portuguese-Speaking Girl!"

And I take that as the utmost compliment. 

But I don't stand a chance to even be a handicapped Brazilian with other Gringas around me!

So Gringo Friends, if in the future I suddenly run away from you on the street in an attempt to stand out less, please dont be offended.  I just don't want my hard-earned efforts to go to waste!

Friendship in Brazil

Or rather, friendship COMES to Brazil!

I've been M.I.A. for the past two weeks because my good friend Laura was visiting me here in Rio.  We spent two great weeks together doing all things Brazilian: Travelling to São Paulo (seeing Danielle for a millisecond); Riding bikes around Zona Sul; Going to Leme Beach; Visiting Pão de Açucar; Getting manicures, getting waxed, getting tipsy; Eating a great restaurants, eating at home, eating HEALTHY; But most of all enjoying each others' company because we hadn't seen each other in a year.

It's sometimes a hard reminder when you spend time with your really old friends from your former home.  A reminder that even across time zones and languages your friendships can still remain strong, if not stronger, despite the distance.  The fact is, these kind of friendships take time to cultivate.  Time and quite probably embarrassing moments - my friends from Canada can attest to the fact that we've all had some awesomely embarrassing moments together.  For God's sake, I watched Laura get a Brazilian wax last year when she couldn't communicate with the waxing lady and the waxing lady insisted I stay to help.  Nothing builds a friendship like watching your friend get her thang waxed.  (Sorry Laur, I needed that story to emphasize my point) ;-)

And while my new friendships in Brazil are also fantastic, they just don't have that 'time' factor yet.  As Leslie says on the show Parks and Recreation "So what did you guys talk about? Old times? Oh, I love talking about old times. New times are great too, but there's just something about old times. You know what I mean?"  Well said, Leslie.

So I guess the point of this sappy, sad post (gimme a break!  Laura went home yesterday and I'm all depressed) is that I am really grateful for both of my worlds.  My Aldous Huxley world and my Old World.  But it sure is hard living in a parallel universe.  I wish they could exist together as one life but at the same time, one wouldn't really even exist without the reality of the other.  I did manage to bring them together, just a little bit ;)

On a positive note, I got to learn about my friend in a different way than either of us had experienced with the other.  I suppose you could say that we uncovered each others' neuroses after sharing a house for 2 weeks.  It was great waking up with her here in the morning, making breakfast together and sitting in front of the 'sitting' window (it's a great window we have for sitting and looking outside).  Working together to keep the house in order then deciding what to do for the day.  It was really nice to have her company.  And the time went by so quickly.  Le sigh.

It does keep me excited for the next guests we have coming - my mom and sister will be here for New Years this year!  Lucky me! 

For now, it's sad movie watching and laying on the couch.  Tomorrow I'll be good as new ;-)