Mini Accomplishments on an Emotional Roller Coaster

Ok it's blog time!

Phew, what a week.  It's been an 'emotional roller-coaster' week for me.  I go through these periods of 'the whole world is going to end and everything sucks' every so often but this time was pretty bad.  It made me realize that I seriously need to see a psychologist.

There are just so many highly negative emotions I experience living here.  So many feelings of anger that I have for reasons that I can't even explain to myself.  Feelings of sadness.  Loneliness.  Frustration.  Resentment.  I wish I had more friends.  I wish things were easier (bureaucratically).  I wish I saw my husband more often.  I wish I made more money.  I wish I had more free time.  I wish I had less free time.  I wish I had more hobbies.  I wish I wasn't afraid to make a phone call in Portuguese.
Yeah, it's pretty much like a child has smeared poop all over the wall, up there in my head.

I thought a pic of real poop on a wall would be too much... You're welcome.

On the other hand, there are very highly positive feelings that I experience living here.  Little accomplishments bring me so much happiness.
I have way more friends now than I had a year and half ago.  Brazilian jeitinho can actually help you out a lot.  The tiny slivers of time that Ro and I can spend together lift my mood so much.  I make a decent salary for someone who doesn't have any formal training teaching - just me and my serious love for teaching (and researching like crazy).  I have weekends and almost all day on Friday off.  My free time is a good opportunity to get things done in the house and with work.  I have more time for reading, which I love!  I actually know how to speak on the phone in Portuguese so I don't know why I let that get to me.  
Also, I'm just lucky to be living in another country having this experience that I'll mos def look back on and think "why I be so crazy?"

So, I gotta clear that shit up, because it's crazy up in here.  (In my crazy head)

You know what?  I'm going to start with some mini goals.

1. I need to find a psychologist who speaks English in Rio.  Anyone? 
2. I want to book a dentist appointment
3. I want to start Portuguese classes
4. I want to start acupuncture
5. I want to find a new apartment in a better neighbourhood

Today's mini accomplishment were:

1. I successfully booked an acupuncture appointment (all by myself!)
2. I successfully found and spoke to a dentist (I have to call back to book tomorrow but I found it!)
3. I saw a Portuguese teacher giving a class randomly and I approached her and we're trying to find a time to meet
4. Ro and I rearranged our schedules to have one day per week to see apartments. 

Good day.  Good day.

It is NOT cheap to live in Brazil

Today's post is brought to you by the letter F.  F-RUSTRATED.  Consider yourselves warned for a rant.

WHY?  This is my first question.  WHY is it so impossible to make a comfortable life in Brazil?  Ok.  That's a complete exaggeration.  I'm not 'uncomfortable' per say.  But I'm being completely cock-blocked by the Brazilian class system!

Why is it it that I don't have the option to live 'wherever I want to' in Rio?  I guess that's more accurate.  Ok, I don't want to live in a mansion with aquarium walls and butlers.  I just want to live in a neighborhood with culture and convenience.  I want to be able to walk to the supermarket EASILY.  I want to be able to catch ONE bus to work, not two or three.  I want to live less than 30 mins from downtown, ideally RIGHT downtown (right now we live about 2 hours from).  I want to live close to a bookstore.  I want to have a variety of restaurant options (not just rice and beans), possibly some places with live music (not just MPB).  Shit, I want to have a martini and I don't even drink martinis.

I live in a neighborhood that is classified as a "C" Class neighborhood, although that title was probably given by "A" Class citizens.  What's after "C" class?  I guess favelas... ?  It's not even the money, or lackthereof, that gets to me.  It's the lack of convenience and culture specifically.  It's like the affordable neighborhoods have been pushed and pushed away to the outskirts of society.

I have obviously been conditioned after spending 5 years living on my own in Toronto, but in Toronto all you have to do is choose.  And even the lower-end apartments are pretty awesome and are downtown.  I pay the same amount of money (in relation to my salary) living in Jacarepagua that I did living in a fully equipped condo, right downtown Toronto.

What I don't understand, and what I can't accept, is why there is so much class-ism in Rio.  Classes are divided in a disturbing way.  My husband and I work HARD and, in my opinion, do fairly well financially.  I have always lived very comfortably in the middle class, but even though my salary is similar to home, here I live in almost low class.  We have to choose housing that is so far away in the 'suburbs'.  We can't even afford to live in Barra, which again in my opinion, IS INSANELY OVERPRICED.  BARRA IS CRAP AND YOU NEED A CAR TO LIVE THERE.  WHY OH WHY WOULD PEOPLE BE CHARGING R$3000 A MONTH FOR A ONE BEDROOM IN BARRA DA TIJUCA??????  THERE IS NOTHING IN BARRA!!!!!

Living in Barra is the equivalent of living in Scarborough, across from Scarborough Town Centre.  Oh, awesome, you live near a mall. 

I am shaking my head.  It's infuriating how much of a glass ceiling exists in Brazil.  Today's apartment search made me hate Rio and the person who is responsible for making independent living so unattainable.  Congratulations Rio.  You live in a Stone Age.  An unequal opportunity Stone Age.

Today's post is also brought to you by the letter G.  Gah!!!!!

Banking in Brazil

You've all heard the rumours.  Bureaucracy in Brazil is a nightmare, everything takes 10x longer to complete than other places, everything is disorganized and inconsistent and you just end up wanting to kill yourself (or someone around you) before the whole thing is done.

Oh, did I say rumour? I meant the absolute god-awful truth. 

So, yet another experience trying integrate myself into Brazil has been opening a bank account.  I've actually gone a whole year without one, which wasn't so bad because I was squatting at my in-laws.  I didn't have a lot of 'money-management' to worry about.  Living on cash made me feel like a millionaire and when it was gone, I just couldn't do any more things! 

Now, I need to up the responsibility factor.  That and it's so much easier for students to be able to pay for their classes by making deposits directly into my account.  I've heard that opening a bank account requires a lot of information ie. Your CPF, your Brazilian ID, a proof of income (if you want a chequing account), a proof of address (that can ONLY be a a fixed telephone line or a gas bill), your first-born son, a skin sample and a pap test done by one of their official Bank Doctors.  (Ok those last 3 I made up but I swear to God it would be easier to give my first-born child if it would just get me a damn bank card already!)

So I head on into a Bradesco (because that's where my husband banks).  Well, the first trip in, I ended up waiting for 2 hours and falling asleep before being wakened by my husband to say that we had to go because I had to get back to work.  Alright, I could chalk it up to a bout of bad luck that time. 

Next time, I go alone with my cpf, ID, and my cell phone bill (which is all I have in my name with my address).  I walk up to the guy sitting behind a desk at the front of the bank and I ask him to open an account.  He asks me if I would like Life Insurance with that but I'm really just looking for the most basic thing ya got. 
I showed him my cell phone bill and asked him if it would be enough to use that instead of a fixed telephone line and was so happy because he assured me that yes! It would be totally fine. 

So I go in, ready for the second marathon wait.  Surprisingly, the bank is empty, but that of course doesn't mean that people are being serviced any faster.  In fact, I asked a lady sitting at the accounts desk if I could sit down and asked me to só aguarda while she continued her ti ti ti with all the co-workers around her.  Cool, no problem.  I'm opening an account!  Nothing could go wrong today!

So after about an hour, that same lady decides to do some work and calls me over.  I sit down, give her the speech... I'm not from here but I have all the docs.  I confidently hand over my info and she takes a quick look over.  Then she says,

"Oh, you can't use this cell phone bill.  It has to be a fixed bill"
Me: Blank Stare.
Her: "Yeah, you need to come back with a fixed phone or gas bill."
Me:  "But I just asked that guy at the front of the bank if this bill would be ok and he said yes..."
Her:  "What guy?"
Me:  "That guy right there!  At the front of the bank!"
Her:  "Oh that guy?  That guy doesn't work at the bank."
Me:  Blank Stare.
Me:  "That guy wearing the Bradesco shirt, sitting at the desk, giving out information doesn't work for the bank?
Her:  "No."
Me:  "Well, maybe you should tell him to stop giving out random information???"
Her:  "Mm hmm"

Gah!  So, I left in a fury almost giving up on banking altogether.  At least after that I gave up on Bradesco. 

I decided the next week that I would try Itaú. 

I took Ro with me for sanity.  We took all the documents (learning that we needed to bring a bill in his name plus our marriage certificate to prove we live together).  Everyone was super nice in Itaú.  Really helpful.  It was our turn.  Everything was going swimmingly.  Until my CPF didn't work. 

Something about the system not reading it, something something I am going crazy.  I leave in another fury of frustration. 

I go back again today.  The Fourth Time.  I am bitter.  I am expecting problems.  I encounter more problems!
The first one is that my ID card and my CPF have diff names.  Namely, my ID doesn't have my maiden name and my CPF does.  Somehow Awesome Bank Guy overrides that.  Next.  Our bill doesn't have our CEP on it (type of postal/zip code).  Somehow Awesome Bank Guy overrides that.  I don't know what stars aligned today because despite all of the new problems of today ... I GOT MY BANK CARD!  For that, Awesome Bank Guy gets Danielle's Caught Being Good Award.

I am now a happy, satisfied customer of Itaú.  Anyone who wants to give me money, can!  Isn't that great?! 

As a final afterthought, I love how I now enter into these situations expecting problems and when I DON'T, I think it's the most awesome service experience ever.  I've been so conditioned here. 

New Addition to our house

And no, it's not a baby.  It's another dog.

Yes, you heard right.

In our already too-small 3 bedroom apartment where we already have 5 adults, 1 cat (still kitten) and 1 dog, someone thought it would be a good idea to get another puppy.

Things are feeling a little full.

I am trying to hold on as best as I can.  Why would they get a new dog, you may ask?  The same way one might get a new shirt?  Because you were in the mood to buy it?  Or because we had a little space over in that corner?  I'm still trying to figure this one out myself. 

I have never owned dogs.  I have never really even liked dogs.  Then I met my husband (a giant dog-lover) and moved to Brazil (the biggest dog-loving country I have ever seen.  Seriously biased towards dogs - everyone 'hates' cats, meanwhile I'm sure they've never owned or probably even seen a house-cat).
I've been a little forced into dogs here seeing as they already had a dog (who is sweet, but so old it's like she's not even here) and seeing as though everywhere you go people are walking dogs, fawning over dogs, or getting dog tattoos.

Now we have this new damn puppy who, I swear to god, is cute but holy idiot.  The dog is terrorizing my cat and in turn it's stressing ME out because I can see that Nina is not happy.  He finds ways into my room and eats Nina's food, and now barks at Nina and runs at her while Nina fearfully hisses and runs away.  Haha, she thinks she's so tough.  Ahhh so much work are puppies.  And this one's not even mine!  And he just doesn't take NO for an answer.  NO stop eating Nina's food, NO stop peeing on the carpet and NO stop biting me everywhere!!!

It would have been considerate for someone to ask us if we would be ok with having another dog in the house.  I mean, other people do live here.

We are going to look at an apartment on Sunday because I just don't see this working :-S ...

How does ANY expat do it?

How do you guys do it?  How do you expats deal with living here?  I am going crazy.  I am missing home so badly right now I was looking at the cost of flights.  Sadly, they are just as I suspected.  Hundreds of dollars (and thousands of reais) that I just don't have.

I was wondering on my recent walk to the grocery store to pick up the second bottle of wine of the weekend if my threshold is just lower than everyone elses.  Is my ability to accept and deal with difficult situations (ie. communication difficulties, loneliness) just weaker than the average person?  Some of you have settled down here permanently and I couldn't imagine in my wildest dreams living her forever.  I just couldn't.  I love Canada SO much.  I think it is the best county on the planet.  Yes, I am biased and Yes, I am drinking right now.

I am just so goddamn proud to be Canadian and of everything my country stands for.  Nobody hates Canada! That's pretty impressive. 

I'm not battling a superiority complex here but you know how living in a country where things seem to be completely LAWLESS makes you appreciate the orderliness of your own country.  Ok, enough of my high horse.  That wasn't meant to be offensive.  I'm just missing home so much.

Let me just examine some positives for a second though.  This journey has been a giant test and learning lesson in 3 specific areas for me.

1.  Adaptability
2.  Patience
3.  Being alone

I have adapted and adjusted non-stop since I arrived here.  We are still living with my in-laws.  It has been 9 months and 17 days.  9 months and 17 days without my own kitchen.  9 months and 17 days of tiptoeing around the house (my family is very quiet).  9 months and 17 days of love-making like teenagers who will get in trouble if their parents find out what they're doing in the bedroom.  9 months and 17 days of being trapped in my room to watch what I want on TV, to have alone time, to get dressed AND put on makeup AND dry my hair etc etc etc. 

Because of this adapting, has come a test of my patience.  A realization and understanding that I am not a patient person but I think I have been pretty goddamn patient for a long time.  I'm pretty patient with my living sitatuation.  I'm pretty patient that Ro works ALL. THE. TIME.  I know I complain about it still.  Patience doesn't exist only in silence.  But I have accepted and try to make the best of a situation that truly makes me unhappy.  I have tried to regain my composure and focus over and over because I know it takes time to learn to speak, to make friends, to have a job, to feel settled down.  The proof is in the pudding.  The first 3 eventually started to come.  The last, I am still trying to be patient.

And then we have being on my own.  This has been the biggest challenge for me lately.  Ro has been working so much (like yesterday he worked from 8:30 am- 10 pm and he generally has only one day off per week which is always a Monday or a Tuesday, which of course are busy for me with classes).  I have always been a person who likes to spend time alone.  But I also like to have friends.  And even though yes, I've made a few friendships with people (like, you can count them on one hand but it's the hand of a guy who has lost 2 fingers), none of them really developed into something close and deep like I have with my best friends from home. 
With the exception of maybe one girl (Bia), I remain friendless.  I have had to try my best to fill my free time with activities for one.  Exercising.  Sitting on the beach drinking a coconut water.  Going to the movies.  Drinking wine.  Eating in a restaurant.  Going to a bar.  All fun activities!  Much better with a friend.  

So, I'm at a loss.  I feel unhappy and unsettled here, like I'm still a guest.  And I don't even know if JUST moving out on our own would even solve the problem.  I told Ro last night that I miss our old life.  Things were so good when we left.  We had a great apartment in a great location and we had great friends who were all in close proximity.  The one REALLY positive thing in my Brazilian life is teaching English.  I love it so much and I don't miss working at GoodLife Fitness at all.  

Maybe Rio is just not the city for me.  I'm not a beach girl. I'm an arts and entertainment girl.  I don't want to lose myself here but I feel like I'm slipping away...

Aaaaand I'm back

Well, blank page.  We meet again.

After a 3 week hiatus from writing (or reading) any blogs, I'm going to actively try to get a new one out there.  It's not going to be easy - actually lately the pressure to write has felt so high that it turned me off of blogging altogether.  I'm just saying.  Sometimes I need to take a moment and remember WHO I'm writing this for.

Me.

Now, I know it's naive - well, actually it's just plain stupid - to think that I'm writing this for myself knowing full well that people read it.  But the more lost I get in writing for other people, the more pressure I feel to keep turning out clever, funny, interesting blogs and then this turns into a job.  And I got a job.

Anyway, the whole point of starting a blog was to document my feelings and experiences in Brazil.  There.  I'm bringing it home.

To be honest, I am officially calling the last 3 weeks "The Three Weeks that I Hated Brazil and Wanted to Yell Right In People's Faces (In English) and Just Go Home Already" Period.  Yeah, that about sums up my feelings of the last 3 weeks.
Actually it's been quite a while since I've felt any real rage towards Brazil.  The beginning had a lot, a lot of frustration and not understanding things, culturally and language-wise.  Then there would be occasional bouts of rage that generally lasted a day or a weekend.  They usually fizzled out after some quality time talking to someone from home or with my Honey.  But the last 3 weeks have been one big giant rage.
I hate meeting new Brazilians during these periods because, like clockwork, they will undoubtedly ask me if I'm gostando de Brasil?  And my answer at that moment is, not really.  And then they are sad.  Hey, you asked.

Ok, I almost started to type out exactly what it is that I'm not liking but I am actively trying to get past these rage-y feelings and I felt them start to bubble up inside me as soon as I started to type.  So, I'm not going to share specifics but it's nothing that any of my fellow ex-pats haven't experienced at one point or another.  It's not a secret why I've been feeling frustration and loneliness.  In fact, I'm sure that it's pretty crystal clear.

ANYWAY.  Moving on.

There are certain things I've been doing to relax myself and cope with my emotions.  Here's my list of things I try to do when I'm feeling crappy.

1.  Get a weekly manicure/pedicure.  Find a place that you like.  Don't settle for a crappy place just because your Family says it's cheaper.  If your manicure is awesome and costs R$10 more, who f'ing cares.  And do it because YOU want to feel pretty and pampered, not because everyone else does it. (Even though they do)

2.  Work out.  Even though it might kill you when you are down in the dumps and you might complain the entire time, you'll feel better later.   I can't say I've been doing really well at point #2 lately so if you're not feeling it, go directly to point #3.  

3.  Eat.  Nothing some good chocolate can't cure. Or chips. Or baking cookies/brownies.  Or pizza.

4.  Drink.  Alcohol, that is.  Yeah yeah, so they say it's a depressant.  Shut up.  I'm depressed and I want to get drunk.

5.  Get out of the house and buy something.  Go on.  You know you'll feel better if you have some new candles for the bedroom, or that shirt/belt/television you can't afford.  Whatever thing you like to buy that always makes you feel better for the rest of the day, go and buy it.

6.  Sleep.  So you want to sleep until 4 or 5 pm?  I say, fine by me.  I realize that this option isn't available to everyone but if it's an option for you, go ahead and indulge.

7.  Download all of the seasons of *insert favourite show here* and watch them all.  In one day.  I am currently on Season 6 of Sex and the City.  Past favourites include How I Met Your Mother, The Office, Glee, Breaking Bad and Friends.

So while the items on my list of helpful coping mechanisms don't actually make you productive, healthy or get you out of your slump, they do just what they intend to do.  Help you cope.
Sometimes being social (especially because you have to speak Portuguese) is even worse.  Sometimes it's good.  Depends on how good your Portuguese is (or their English). 

But as well as I know myself, I know that this slumpy period will pass.  It's just taking a little longer this time.  For now, I'm going to implement a little #2 followed by a #7 which may be later followed by a little #3 and #4.  We'll see how I feel.