Changes

Too many changes happening in my life.  Combine that with the fact that Ro uses our only laptop for his work translating, finding the time to write blogs is rare if not non-existent.  But I do think I need to write SOMETHING, for god's sake.  I owe it to myself to document this very emotional and monumental time in our lives.

First, I am pregnant.

Second, we are leaving Brazil.

Third, we are going to re-assimilate back into North-American Culture. 

While I think about these three things OFTEN, I'm fairly calm and not overly worried about the uncertainty of the near future.  Uncertain simply because we are re-starting our lives once again (ie. finding jobs, finding housing, finding our social circle).  On a positive note, we're going back to a place we've been before.  On a terrifying note, nothing will be the same as it was when we left, 2 1/2 years ago. 

Maybe it's my style to go kind of numb to these changes until I'm actually experiencing them.  I'm so anxious to get them started.  Maybe it doesn't feel as terrifying as I think it should because it's not the first time we've done something big and life-altering.  I know everything always works out in the end. 

So, maybe it's really just the anticipation that's taking me over... To be honest, and no disrespect meant to any of my friends here in Brazil, I'm finding it very easy this time to cut ties.  Leaving Canada was so much more intense, so many tears, so much insecurity.  I'm in an infinitely different place in life this time and know how much I'm capable of... I think all who have made the move to another country can agree that we've been to the breaking point once or twice without actually breaking. 

But, what will my friendships be like once I'm back?  Will they change?  When they change, will there still be common ground?  Will I be able to balance my friendships, a new baby, a new/old life, as a different person? 

Now I'm overanalyzing... the whole main reason we're going back is to have our baby.  Neither of us have jobs that are keeping us tied to Brazil.  Healthcare is public and wonderful in Canada.  I can use a midwife that is also covered under the healthcare system.  I will be close to my mom.  We will have more security, more stability, great local programming... I'm really really looking forward to being back.

Do any of you have fears about moving back to your home countries?  

The Next Chapter

Nothing to report lately - except obvious baby stuff but I don't want to fill this blog up with that.  That's what my Facebook is for ;)  Oh, and my English classes, Skype sessions with Mom and every waking second with my husband. 

Clearly I have baby on the mind and it's kind of taking over everything. 

But, well, I also have other things on my mind... like Canada.  So it's official.  We're moving back to Canada.  I'd say permanently, but seeing as our lives will be forever divided between two countries, I can't say that for sure.  I can say for sure that two months from now our bags will be packed and we will be on our way to the airport to close one chapter of our lives and open another one. 

While I'm completely certain that this is what I want, and feel like we're currently in a good place emotionally/spiritually/mentally in Brazil to say goodbye, what I'm having the hardest time with is the actual finality of this adventure. 

The first bit 20/29 months of my Brazilian life were really really really difficult.  I was not very happy, not in a great place, going through a lot of personal challenges... but after we moved (for the FOURTH time in 2 years!) things took an incredible turn for the better.  I actually started to see Brazil more clearly as my haze of hatred lifted.  There are many things I can credit (like our new neighbourhood, finally having friends close by, less travel time, and more culture - and don't forget, I started seeing an amazing psychologist).  But things really did get better.  I am happy now. 

Now after getting through almost two years that felt like they would NEVER END, I can't believe we only have two months left!  It's this bittersweet feeling that I've been grappling with lately.  There are a lot of things that are not ideal about Brazil, but there are a lot of awesome things that I'm going to miss as well. 

Portuguese is one of them. 

Also, farmer's markets.

Beautiful scenery.

Easy get-away weekend destinations.  (and I only just started getting into these!)

Friends who 'get' the difficulties. 

Being 'the foreigner'.  

Teaching English privately.

And especially, being close to Ro's family, and my second family. 

Two months is not long before we say goodbye to these things for a little while.  I think, however, I've become addicted to change so I'm really anxious and excited about starting anew.... As hard as things have been, I'm leaving this country more aware, accepting, patient and adaptable than when I started.  It's been a journey I wouldn't change for anything! 

Preferential Treatment

A new cultural experience I'm about to embark on is the 'Pregnant Lady in Brazil' experience.  In Canada, pregnant women exist (obviously) but, in my experience, they aren't fawned over nor do the seas part when a pregnant lady walks into a room.  Pregnant women, in turn, do not expect such treatment (at least I don't think they do).

In Brazil, pregnant women are like Goddesses, carrying the Miracle of Life in their pouches.  The Law even bows to pregnant women, as it's actually the LAW that Preggos can move straight to the front of any line (name a line - the bank? Yes. A crowded 5-star restaurant? Yes. A food bank? You can count on it.)  They get the preferential seats on the bus and they also get to line up in the preferential lines at the grocery store (and probably move to the front of that line even! They can trump any line!)

The reason I've been thinking about this lately is because I just don't have this natural instinct in me, to finally take advantage of this special treatment.  I recently spent the weekend with a good friend who happens to be 7 months pregnant.  She fully pulled out her pregnancy card everywhere we went (btw, if you are with said pregnant woman, you ALSO get to butt the line!)  She even pulled out the "it's the law!" card.  She told me that since the beginning, she has carried her ultrasound photo around with her taking advantage of her right wherever she goes!

I find this shocking simply because I admire her guts!  I guess I've been a little conditioned to believe that pregnancy isn't an illness, and therefore shouldn't award you special treatment.  I had to come to terms with this change in perception after moving here but I can honestly say that I love this law.  I love the way Brazilian culture looks out for its citizens who are a little less-than-able (that goes for seniors as well as pregnant women).  For a culture that I perceive to be so "everyone for him or herself", Brazilians have really pulled together to respect this courtesy and make sure others respect it too.

It makes me a little sad to know that I won't be staying here to fully experience this huge gesture of kindness (we are moving back to Canada to have our baby -  more on that in another blog).  In fact, it was slightly distressing to me to speak to a Canadian friend who told me that she parks in the 'Expectant Mothers' reserved parking spots because "pregnancy isn't an illness."  News flash.  Neither is old age.  Should we take away their spots too?

I'm not taking one opinion and turning it into the opinion of an entire country - I trust my loveable Canadians that they wouldn't do that!  But I'm curious to know if other expats were surprised/annoyed/un-phased by this pretty strict law??  I did find it a little shocking since it's about the ONLY law that all Brazilians really abide by.... I mean, we all know that nobody respects traffic laws!  Similarly, have any Brazilians had any interesting experiences being pregnant outside of Brazil? 

Thoughts/experiences?

Breaking News

Sometimes things are so unbelievably new and exciting that I can't talk about them here.  Primarily, because it's important that I talk to my family about these novidades in person, so they don't have to find out about them in digital ink.  
So, two months since my last blog.  And in the last two months my life has taken on a completely new direction.  My apologies for anyone who was missing my blogs - I was! - but now that I've talked about everything with our families I can finally go back to putting my thoughts on this hypothetical page.

So, the big news is I'm pregnant!  Three months pregnant, to be exact.  Turns out that I was already pregnant during Carnaval (albeit only, like, a week - but still... whoops!) Went out with a bang there...

I find it strange that almost every Brazilian person I tell about my pregnancy follows up directly with "Was it planned?"  Pardon?  Was it planned?  What an oddly personal question that does not go against my expectations of Brazilian culture at all.  So, ok, yes it was planned.  And if it wasn't?  Would I get a look of pity??  I might start saying it wasn't, just as an experiment.

I also have to add an aside here:  I know NOTHING about babies, pregnancy, giving birth, normal reactions towards pregnant women, etc., etc.... so if I am slightly shocked by some of these 'oddities' but you think they are apparently normal, please feel free to enlighten me.  I'm really only basing things on how I would react to a pregnant woman.  Not that I have even personally known that many, so therein lies the problem (probably).

The next thing that people almost automatically do is touch my belly.  It's like being pregnant automatically removes your 'personal space shield' and it's a free-for-all for anyone who wants to touch you.  I'm not sure how I feel about this.  On one hand it's kind of comforting, on the other hand my inner conscious screams "STOP! THIS IS MY BODY! I AM MORE THAN A GIANT BELLY!"  But people would probably disagree with that so it's best to just let it happen.

So, as I said, I'm totally dumb about pregnancy.  I've never had a close friend have a baby, never even a family member whose pregnancy I got to experience.  I think the last time I even held a baby was when I was about 10 years old.  So, there are some things happening to me that I didn't know to expect...

1. INSANE EXHAUSTION.  Holy freaking hell.  I was so so tired during the first 3 months that I slept at every possible opportunity (and I'm talking for like 3-4 hours, and that was AFTER sleeping 8-10 hours at night).  Another reason I stopped blogging. 

2. INSANE HOT FLASHES.  Meaning the 'flash' lasted all day, everyday.  I was never not sweating like a fat, sweaty man and add to it that Rio has been going through a giant disgusting heat wave for the last 2 months.  I was in my own personal hell and thank god that part is over.  

3. HORRIBLE HEADACHES.  I am having what the doctor (and by doctor, I mean Internet) calls "tension headaches".  They squeeze my head on the sides and leave me feeling totally debilitated.  To make it worse, I can't take any medicine while preggers.  (Also didn't know that I couldn't take over-the-counter medicine... ugggh)

4. MY BODY IS LITERALLY WIDENING.  Yes, Danielle.  LITERALLY.  I noticed it about 3 weeks ago that the circumference of my hips was actually broader.  My husband noticed too (he was totally more excited that I was).  Oh, and thanks to that my pants don't fit anymore.

5. WILD, CRAZY DREAMS.  I repeat, wild, CRAZY, dreams.  Vivid.  Allllllllllll about pregnancy, giving birth, breast feeding, my relationship with my mom and my dad... and are we seeing a theme here? 

6. HAIR GROWTH.  Oh, yes.  We've heard the stories that pregnancy gives you a beautiful head of hair.  I guess they conveniently forgot to mention that the hair grows EVERYWHERE else too.  Even my eyebrows are growing faster than normal.  And where I could usually go 5-6 weeks between waxing, now I'm an every month kinda girl.  (Not that I am going anymore anyway!  It's waaaay too sensitive down there!)  (P.S. Before you say ok TMI Lindsey, I have vowed to give as much information about this pregnancy to spare others from being surprised like I have been!)

7. DOUBTS.  For me, there has also been some guilt because I started to doubt if I was really ready for a baby, ready to be a mother, etc etc.  I guess it's normal, but there is this expectation for women to be SO thrilled and overjoyed all the time at the idea of being pregnant.  Throw some raging hormones into the mix and you're not always so confident in your decision...

For now those have been the biggest mysteries unfolded.  I'm preeetty sure there will be many more fun surprises and I caannnn't wait! (there is a great need for a sarcasm font!)  The good news is, I'm back!

Crime in the Streets of Rio

We've all heard the warnings that Rio is a dangerous city, people will rob you at any opportunity, etc etc etc.  I don't know if it's just an exaggeration or if I've just been really fortunate, but I have never had a problem while living in this city.

Well, my bike was stolen, but my bike was also stolen twice and my husband's once while living in Toronto.  I don't count that one.

I've heard stories though, of course.  A friend of a friend of a friend.  A friend of a friend.  Even more worrisome, an actual friend.  But generally it's perfectly easy to get by with some general common sense and caution.

I always keep my bag close to me.  I always look around me while I'm standing at a stop light or while I have my iPhone out.  I always lock up my bike, even if I'm just going to sit down in the park with it beside me.  I always keep an eye out for weird looking people, people who appear to have a different reason than me for being in any given space.  It's just better to be extra cautious than to regret losing something you could have avoided losing.

Yesterday a friend and I went to do yoga in Parque do Flamengo, a kind of notorious place for having sketchy people.  I've done yoga there before though, I keep to myself, it's really peaceful.  We finished our fantastic podcasts and started on the walk home.  I had my bike with me, my iPhone in an arm band and my mat strapped to my back.

I was doing my usual talking and looking around and I saw about 5 weird-looking guys coming up the side of the path (coming from the rocks by the water on Praia de Botafogo).  Even though there were a lot of people around and it was daylight, they looked suspicious and yes, I already had my guard up.

Then, my worst fear became a reality as one came RIGHT up beside/behind me.  It felt like he was trying to corner me against my bike or something, as he started to grab at my mat (which he probably thought was a bag) and my phone strapped to my arm.  My automatic response was to push him as hard as I could and scream.  My friend started yelling too and I kept pushing him and there was this, like, scuffle where I later found out my shorts got ripped.

Luckily, my mat bag strap was super tight, and my arm band was wrapped in a way that he couldn't just rip it off and run.  UN-fortunately, the only name I could think of to call the guy in Portuguese was seu folgado, haha, probably one of the most unintimidating names possible.  It means something like "you ignoramus!"   Swearing in English was much more cathartic in that moment...

Anyway, the dummies couldn't get what they wanted so they took off (the fools ran right INTO the traffic almost killing themselves along the way.... idiots).

Just to make it clear: I am ok.  I was actually pretty pumped that nothing got taken and also that I stood up for myself BUT I've also been reminded that I was lucky and that I/you should really be careful in how you handle this kind of situation.

This also isn't any kind of burn on Rio or Brazil - I know it could happen anywhere, and I've been fortunate that I've never had this kind of problem before.  A friend said to me, "It's not a matter of 'if', it's a matter of 'when'", and even though that's slightly cryptic and fear-mongering, it IS better to be safe than sorry (no matter what country you live in).

This is the reality of the world we live in.  Just don't tell my mom... 


As for me, I won't let this incident stop me from returning to that park.  I've been there so many times before without issue.  I know this is a one-off.  But maybe next time I'll leave my bike so I'm not such a distracted-looking target.  I don't know... I just hate the idea of vagabundo people infringing on my freedom to live! 

Anyone else have any stories of theft?

Where will you be from Feb 17-21?

If you live in Brazil, you know where you'll be... Carnaval!  It's not like you can escape it, so you better just buck up and enjoy.

You either "love it" or you "hate it" (I guess you could equate it to Tom's description of Marmite).  Well, I'm going to be devious and create a sub-category of "It's ok".

This will be my third attempt at Carnaval.  The first year, we stayed waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay out in Recreio (where we used to live) for the entire 5 (+14 or so) days of Carnaval.  I was thoroughly disappointed.  Like, this is it???? The most exciting thing I saw was a make-shift 'funk' party on the beach, but even that wasn't much different from your average North-American nightclub.  Not a single bloco to be seen in Recreio.

I thought to myself, and out loud, "This is bullshit.  This can't be what all the hype is about???"

Then, last year, I stayed with a friend in her apartment in Ipanema (in the south zone).  It was a whoooooooooooooole different pile of crap.  A literal pile of crap, as there were, literally, piles of crap on the street.  Problem is, in the South Zone (where the big 5 (+14) day party happens, there aren't enough bathrooms.  And there is a lot of beer and fried food being eaten.  That equals a lot of doo-doo and tee-tee on the streets of Rio de Janeiro.

The music from the blocos (street parties) was blasting through the air DAY AND NIGHT.  It was difficult to get around, due to millions of people everywhere.  It was generally just non-stop and a liiiiiittle too much for me.

This year we live in Zona Sul, on a relatively quiet street.  I was expecting my Carnaval experience to be really good this year!  Close enough to the action but far enough away that I can escape it if I wanted to...

But alas, what did I see as I walked home today?

The Dance School next to my house.  I live 2 doors from Casa de Danca Carlinhos de Jesus.  They have a popular bloco called Dois pra lá, Dois pra cá.  The sign out front says they are moving the time of the bloco (which was in the afternoon) Now it starts at EIGHT.  IN THE MORNING.  Right outside my window.  All morning until noon!  **Shudder**

This many people outside of my house?!?

I guess I can't escape Carnaval no matter where I live!  Well, then as the old cliché goes... If you can't beat 'em.... Might as well smash yourself in the face with the sweet sounds of Samba!

This year in addition to waking up to a bloco in my bedroom, I am going going to spend the night at the Sambodromo to watch the actual Carnaval parade!  I know, I am such a Carnaval freak.  Thanks to this guy for hookin' me, and 7 of my friends up...

So it will be a totally new Carnaval experience for this girl.  I'm giving it another go, and we'll see if after this, my third Carnaval, I will finally emerge from the masses screaming "AMO O CARNAVAL!"  I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess probably not...

Either way,

BOM CARNAVAL A TODAS!

Friendships: Past vs. Present

So, I stumbled upon my old blog that I kept all throughout university.  I'm currently in the middle of reading the entire 3 year collection and all I can say is it's hilarious!!!!  First, because it's purely a diary.  Like "today so-and-so did this to me" and "I'm so mad I can barely see!"  While it's not all that much different from this blog, it's way more personal, and dare I say, risqué?  I go into a LOT of personal detail that I would NEVER share here.  Does that mean I've become more censored as a person or just that my audience is different?  

Haha, one thing that's kinda flipping my mind is that it appears that I used to have a very easy time talking to my friends and telling them EXACTLY how I felt about them.  I wasn't afraid to show my rage, my frustration, my sadness, or the pure elation I had from being friends with them.  I felt totally entitled to speak my mind.  

It got me wondering if friendships like that are still possible, in our adult lives?  I have met some incredible people living in Brazil (especially incredible because they are multiple nationalities who share a common experience - wild!).  I would even say I have some very good friends here.  But are friendships nowadays the friendships of our past?  Is that even possible?  I don't know if I would feel comfortable laying it all out on the table for my friend, because I wouldn't want to risk too much conflict or fighting.

Maybe it's the nature of friendships here... they all feel temporary.  At least because we know that one day someone will leave.  Or maybe it's because we are all just guests in this country, and don't have the same roots and histories of our home countries.  Maybe now, as adults, we have the capacity to see what the future 'means', and that things don't last forever as we once thought in our naive adolescences. 

Or maybe it's even simpler than that, and this is just growing up.  We develop nuclear families that satisfy our need for close, intimate relationships and our friendships become like the Clinique Bonus Gift (gotta say though - I always LOVE that bonus gift!).

Anyway, just curious to know how anyone else would evaluate friendships in the past vs friendships today.  Do you think you've become less 'intimate' with your friends?  How do you maintain intimacy if you have it??  So curious about this....